There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
