You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
