I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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