census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
