somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
