did you get engaged???
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I got inside last night via doggy door
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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