Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
