Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
