My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
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