did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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