Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
