I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
