I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We had sex on a dog bed..
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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