Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
