I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's shark week go big or go home
We need to get me chipped asap
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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