The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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