I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
there was a trapeze. enough said
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
