That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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