my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
