you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
