i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
