Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
