I accidentally burped into my bong.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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