she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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