is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
