hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
