i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
