nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
