apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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