every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
