Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
