Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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