I feel great
I just peed on a car
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
