i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
