i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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