Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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