just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
