Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
