I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
