She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
