my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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