You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
