I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
