Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
