He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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