he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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