im six kinds of drunk right now
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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