tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
