mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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