peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
