Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
