I could have mohawked her pubes.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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